Tuesday, January 13, 2009

To All the Men I've Loved Before

Inside it feels like there's a Scream that is in terrible need of coming out.
Perhaps it's about the manicure that I completely fuckered up when I got all excited that my Peter Rabbit music box was here.
(Shut it people, I'm reliving my childhood)
Doesn't everyone use an 8" carving knife to open a 5x5x5 inch box? It should have worked perfectly, only there was so much damn packing tape and bubble wrap. The knife slipped out of my skilled shakey hands and took a chunk out of the new velvety chocolate polish. Special.
Or maybe the manifesting scream has something to do with my mother standing me up on Saturday night for a movie date. She says she sent a text message. For the love of God Susan, a phone call is nice!
The last thought is, it may have something to do with the irritating phone calls I'm getting over the last couple of weeks.
I feel like Dr Ruth and Dear Abby wrapped up into one for my ex-boyfriends.
When did this become kosher? Asking an ex for advice on current dating situations?
Most of these men, I'd like to stick a dull knife into their gut and slowly disembowel them.
*takes a moment and daydreams*
I don't keep in touch with a man after I break up with him, or after he breaks up with me. It has to be ripped off like a band aid. No more access to my Myspace, Facebook, or email. It may sound harsh, but it's the only way that works for me. The one thing I have yet to do is change my phone number, and that option is getting more and more appealing.
I listen to this bullshit and I'm amazed.
I'd like to share their troubles, cause that's the kind of "friend" I am.
Gentlemen, kindly take note:

I don't want to hear about the Italian woman you are currently fucking, where you took her to dinner, or how she doesn't like it from behind.

This will never work, you love this dominating position. Add a car into the mix and her bent over the back seat...forget it. All you care about is sex any way. Move on.

I don't want to hear about the 21 year old Russian orphan, with a cocaine problem that's not really a problem, living with another man driving his car, and banging you out in her free time.

Are you serious? You need to question this relationship? Just take yourself out of the dating pool if you find this acceptable.

The Greek girl you've spent the last 3 years breaking up and getting back together with, now you find the break-ups are weekly and you're the one doing it.

It's not going to work. You are a jack ass for trying the same shit and expecting different responses.
Actually, keep trying. You deserve this kind of misery for your stupidity.

The Dominican woman, with her beautiful body, that may or may not be looking for a green card, says you have a big cock and you make her cum better than any other man.

First of all, she lied, your cock isn't that big, remember that I've seen it...and you're not that great a lover. You mentioned Green Card....
And no, having a man that can make you cum does not equal love for a woman.
Idiot.

I now see why I no longer date any of you. Not that I needed further clarification, but it helps and amuses me.
About that Scream-
It's most definitely about the fuckered up manicure.
$36.00 down the toilet!

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